10 Tips for Black Women from a White Guy

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Most of the time when I see a traffic accident I just do a little rubber necking and continue on my way. There are people who take care of that kind of thing. I’m in a car so obviously I have someplace to go, and it really isn’t any of my business. Every once in a great while I do find myself pulling over and trying to help like when I see no one else is helping or that the people who are trying to help don’t seem to be doing a very good job. Today I’m going to discuss a train wreck called Black women and yeah I know I’m a “White Male” but given that people like me are the last people any Black person would come to for advice, and Blacks have been doing sooo well for themselves, I figured it was about time Blacks, and in todays case especially Black women, got some help they could actually use.

Black woman have a pretty bad image not just in the States but in many other countries as well. Fat, mouthy, uneducated slobs who let their prodigy reek havoc in every store you find yourself unlucky enough to see one in. If all of that wasn’t bad enough Black women also are seen as extremely prone to violence but perhaps Blacks in general are seen that way across the globe. No one held a gun to the heads of Black people and told them to behave like this. Lashing out for whatever reason is the behavior of children not adults.

Back to the Black women.

Now I get that the modern Black man is rarely a prize. It isn’t just White women who end up being single mothers after being with a Black man and yes I get that. But let’s not pile all the blame on Black men either. If you Negresses didn’t act the fool all the time yourselves maybe your men wouldn’t be fishing for mudsharks all day long. Besides what’s good for the gander is also good for the goose. You don’t have to be with Black men but if you want other men you’ll have to clean up your act in a big way. So here’s some advice you can follow so you can avoid the hood rat label.

  1. Stop talking like a nigger. Don’t give me that shocked look you know dam well what I mean. Proper dictation will get you almost as far in life as good looks will so stop speaking like a poor, uneducated, prone to violence Black bitch and learn to speak like a lady. Just because everyone else is acting the fool doesn’t mean you have to. A funny thing will happen when you start speaking properly, you’ll find people show much more respect for you. Even the Black ones or at least the successful Black ones you want to surround yourself with.
  2. Lose weight. Just because your excess fat tends to gather at your breasts and your bottom doesn’t mean you don’t look like a cow. Fat isn’t healthy and it isn’t attractive and being healthy and attractive are very important in our world. More importantly is that the older you get the more difficult it becomes for you skin to fit you properly after loosing weight and the older you get the less attractive your fat looks. Believe me any loss in breast size you experience will be well worth the cost of being trim and in shape so go buy a bike and get peddling.
  3. Learn to dress for your skin tone. No Black woman should ever wear Black or any really dark color. Black skin looks best against contrasting colors like pastels. Because Black womens hips aren’t usually as tall as those of a White women (why your butt looks rounder) you have a special challenge when it comes to covering your bubble butt. Some Black women look smoking in a pair of Daisy Dukes and others in a maxi dress. You have to find the look that works best with your figure and stick to that look.
  4. Feet. Some of you have nasty feet. You should get pedicures often and if you can’t afford that rub those callouses off with a stone in the shower. Raptor toenails? Are you kidding me. Toenails are not finger nails and shouldn’t be growing out an inch past your toes. Seriously that is disgusting. And while we are on the subject, simple red nail polish or the French style should be your staples not fingernails with piercings, animal prints and fake diamond glue ons.
  5. Attitude. A woman should be elegant and reserved. A lady holds herself with her back straight, chin up and her legs crossed. She is patient as she waits on others to serve her like not opening the door and just standing there waiting for the gentleman to open the door for her. She understands the power of silence and never uses foul language in public or in from of children. She carries herself as a princess not by demanding that others treat her as such but by her own elegance (see Audrey Hepburn and/or Jacqueline Kennedy as examples).
  6. Hair. It is perfectly normal for women to change their hair color and hair style. In every culture on planet earth this is true. Hair extensions and wigs have also been common place for as long as there have been women. Never feel that anyone has the right to question what you are doing to your hair just find the look that gets you the most positive responses from everyone not just the clowns in da hood. If you can walk into a high end restaurant without people looking at you with any other look besides lust you’ve probably nailed it. This is not to say that you must color your hair and add extensions or wigs. If you can find a way to make your natural hair look right with the rest of you by all means do that and that is good advice for any woman but we don’t always get lucky with the hair God gives us so do what you must to bring out the inner you.
  7. Work. No matter what you do for a living people will show you much more respect if you do your job well and concentrate on the task at hand rather than gossiping with your fellow workmates. Friendly, hardworking, smiling faces get more working hours and more promotions. Or you could be Black. Look at everything other than the customer, complain about your break time, take 15-20 minutes to go to the bathroom, show up late and leave early, etc. Which one do you think will get you further in life?
  8. Children. Your children are a reflection of you. If they are running around the store, making a lot of noise, and grabbing at things on the shelves the other people in the store are going to think you’re a low class hood rat who will be shoplifting while your rug rats are acting as your distraction. Basically a criminal. They aren’t looking at you like that because you’re Black they are looking at you like that because you don’t know how to raise your kids. If you don’t know how to raise your kids properly there is plenty of free help out there you can get and learn.
  9. Music. Stop going places and listening to or letting other people play rap or hip hop music in your presence. This music is degrading to women in general and especially degrading to Black women. Remember Blues, Jazz, and believe it or not there are some Black rock bands that will knock your socks off. And for the love of God stop Twerking. Whores Twerk, ladies Waltz.
  10. Makeup. You are not a clown don’t wear clown makeup. The girl who can master her makeup owns the world so go to a store like Macy’s or another relatively high end store and get a makeover. Tell whoever does your makeup that you want to look like a high end professional woman and pay attention to what your makeup artist is doing. Do this several times in different locations (might take a while but one at a time) because you are likely to get more than one look and you’ll be able to compare the reactions you get from others after every makeover to help you gauge which look is best for you.

You can call these tips acting White if you want but is that such a bad thing? Surely if you follow these tips you’ll attract more White guys, Asian guys, Latino guys and you may think you’re not interested in guys from other races but that might change if you start becoming attractive to them. It isn’t like to pool of available, decent, hard working Black men is that deep anyway and a lot of those guys are looking for White girls who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and will mostly obey them. You don’t have to hook up with a former (or future) convict.



One thought on “10 Tips for Black Women from a White Guy

  1. Great write as usual! I have known some very beautiful black women when I was young back in the 60’s, but in the area I was in in Jersey it was verboten to be white with a black. She was like a thin Halle Berry, and had that smooth ultra famine way about herself that made Everyman in the room weak in the knees!

    Liked by 1 person

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