How to Survive Hurricane Matthew

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I have managed to survive every single hurricane that ever hit South Florida since 1976 so I consider myself an authority on hurricane survival. So today instead of giving the over protective, world is coming to an end scenario I’m going to teach those who are new to such events how to survive them.

  1. Stay in your home: Officials and others will try to convince you to leave your home but this is a grave error. First of all if you live on the east coast chances are your home will survive as long as any shelter. Big high school gymnasiums are built by union employees whose expertise is in hiding on the job and stretching the job out for as long as possible making what they construct a hit or miss prospect. Additionally if you do go to the shelter you are surrendering your constitutional rights to the state which means they can tell you whether you can leave the shelter or not. When Andrew rolled in the police drove through my neighborhood hollering about mandatory evacuation. I stood on my front yard drinking a beer and laughing when they drove by. All my neighbors evacuated and when it was all over me, my Rottweiler, a shotgun loaded with slugs and a few handguns was all there was between my neighbors homes and looters. Not a single home was destroyed.

2. Arm yourself. Just before and after any big storm there are bad people trying to take     advantage. Do not be afraid to brandish your weapons. These people are looking for an easy score and are not quick to get into a shootout with armed homeowners. I usually wear a 44 mag in a western holster after a storm. I want potential bad guys to see my hand cannon.

3. There are a few things you will need; canned goods like Beefaroni, soups and vegetables, at least 3 bags of charcoal, coffee, 20 gallons of fresh water (get this by the gallon not in individual containers), candles or oil lanterns,  bic lighters.

4. Everything outside must come inside including garbage. The biggest danger in hurricanes is flying projectiles.

5. Trailers: deflate all the tires – this will help them stay on the ground.

6. Trailer homes: Trailer homes do not survive major hurricanes. Load up your car with your most precious items and drive as far away from the storm as you can. Go to a shelter if you have no other options. Do not be afraid to ask friends who have homes, especially if those homes were constructed of concrete blocks, to stay with them. Buy some booze and have a party. Dig a hole and bury whatever you can’t take in a waterproof container.

7. Get drunk: Look if it is your time to go nothing you can do will stop it. The storm itself is scary like a horror film and fear can make you do stupid crap like leave your shelter. They call booze liquid courage for a reason and you might just need a little courage through the several hours of howling wind, driving rain, and strange noises.

8. Find your safe space: This will usually mean a closet or bathroom in the center of your home. Any small room without a window. The framing of such small spaces makes them incredibly strong so barricade that room with mattresses and hunker down. Warning…make sure your safe space has enough ventilation or you will die.

9. Your car/truck: Large banks and other buildings used for business often have covered parking garages. Find one within bicycling distance from your home and park your car as close to the middle of the garage as possible that is usually where it is the strongest. If you have a garage and two or more cars park one of them in one of these garages just in case your home doesn’t survive at least you might have one working car.

10. Most of the supplies you need you should have stocked in your homes months if not years in advance. If you live near the coast you know dam well your area will get hit by hurricanes eventually. If you wait until the hurricane warning you will spend a lot of time in lines waiting for fuel and supplies and usually leave to store with only a fraction of what you needed.

11: Freeze all your meats: Frozen meat works just like ice and if you’ve ever tried to thaw meat you know it takes forever to thaw out…and the best part is when it does thaw you can crank up the barbie. Meat is one of the hardest items to get after a storm.

12: Buy as much beer, coffee and smokes as you can get your hands on. These items are very valuable after the storm and can be traded off for things you need.

13: Keep an eye out for neighbors, friends and family who may not have the means to properly prepare for a storm. We are all in this together so help people if you can.

14: Hand tools: pole saws, hammers, axes, machetes, handsaws……these simple hand tools can make you a small fortune after the storm if there is no electricity. Buy a chainsaw if you don’t already have one. There will be a lot of desperate people who will be very happy to see you and pay you because their insurance companies will be telling them 6 to 8 weeks before anyone can get to them.

15: Cash: there won’t be any electricity so you’ll need at least a couple of hundred dollars in cash.

Well there you have it….good luck to everyone who will be facing the hurricane in the next few days.

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